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shit i forgot to record true blood

TRUE BLOOD!, Beauty and the Beast, Titanic, Moulin Rogue!, Merlin, The Twilight Saga, Robert Pattinson, KStew Xavier Samuel, Alex Pettyfer fanmixes, instrumental music, UK artists, British Comedies



April 11th, 2012

(no subject)

shit i forgot to record true blood
Some days it's really hard to be fat. Some days it's as if it's not even there. And those are the best, the days that you don't even notice it. The days that you accept yourself and love yourself are best days. 

As of late my self-love has gone out the fucking window. I normally say fuck the world and society. They're the ones that have the problem with my weight, not me. 

When I was in middle school I fooled around with BPs. Some days when my emotions were running too high, I ran to the fridge and devoured anything and everything that tasted good. As if I were eating things to make me feel better, fill this hole. It was a distraction, a distraction from my feels, to make me forget for a half hour whatever it was that was going on in my head. And then I'd run and release it all. Another 20 minutes, as if I was releasing all the bad. It was never about losing weight. It was about distracting myself from too muche motion (good or bad), filling myself with food that made me feel good, only to have this feelings come back and realization what I had done, and a need for another distraction by getting it all up. As if I could really rid myself of these "feelings".

Eventually, I stopped. I guess I came to terms that this was a stupid idea. I knew the side effects, the hardships there are when you sustain an ED. So I stopped. 


Triggers can be a funny thing. 

I've spent the last 7 years of my life trying to come to terms with who I am. I am fat. I have PCOS. I like to eat. I never really thought I'd have a trigger. I never thought I'd have this urge, this fucking need to do this to myself again, but perhaps for another additonal reason. Maybe this time it is about weight and feelings.

Since about the end of March, something horrible (well not that horrible) happened. The guy that I had a crush on started dating my suitemate. She's pretty much my best friend at school. My circumstance is weird. I started liking this guy, and I was unaware of his feelings for my friend. I was probably even less aware of her feelings for him. I knew then, and I certainly know now that I didn't have a chance in hell with him.

But there is just something about him I couldn't quite shake. Even while I knew they were dating, I talked to him, even while she was sitting right there, and I just realized he was everything I wanted in a person. So when I found out they were dating, it was a hard blow. I was pretty depressed. To the point when I hung out with them together, I left feeling even worse about myself.

I tried. I tried so hard to be happy for them. I thought, "She deserves to be happy." I needed to be happy for them, but I just couldn't. 

Instead, I just kept thinking, what if? What if I was thin? What if I was finally fucking thin? Would it have made a difference? Because I found out that when he told my suitemate he liked her, the odds were actually stacked against him. I'll get back to this later.

I'm tired of not being seen as someone worthy of love. I fucking hate this society and how afraid we are of dating a fat person. How repulsive it is or how it's fetishized. On the other hand, I'm not looking for a relationship. I tried OKCupid, and I backed out. I evaluated my life and realized it wasn't right for me.

Then Tyler came along. And it was like it was different. I haven't had a crush like this since middle school. To the point that I actually really truly want to be with that person.

I have class

November 25th, 2011


shit i forgot to record true blood
Today was pretty okay. I felt bad because I said I had nothing to say when my parents asked me to say grace. But I didn't have the heart to tell them that I'm questioning my faith in God and looking into deism. 

We went to my friend's house for dessert and that was nice. My mom has finally come to terms with me changing my major, and for the first time she sounded honestly happy for me.

November 18th, 2011

obama or kennedy

Which U.S. President has made the most positive impact?

November 12th, 2011

getting into college and purchasing my own car

What is the accomplishment that you are most proud of?

August 9th, 2011

Today is my birthday!

shit i forgot to record true blood
Fic Idea

AU: Sam falls into the pit. Dean can barely make it without him. Raphael gives him a proposition. He wants Dean to become an angel and serve him while turning the Apocalypse back on. Raphael promises to bring Sam back so he can live in paradise. If not, he'll still bring back the Apocalypse, only Dean won't make it to paradise. He'll be dragged back to Hell.

April 7th, 2011

If you arrived at your front door and saw your first love standing there, what would you do or say?


thats it.

February 24th, 2011

(no subject)

shit i forgot to record true blood
 I was put back on the pill. While I feel happier, I'm over emotional. I feel like crying at least 3 times a day. I've cried twice today.
My hip joints hurt, maybe because of the rain.

I'm just feeling down on myself today.
I'm going to NYC tomorrow to visit two accounting firms. They wanted us to bring resumes and I don't have one. So I'm scraping one up tonight.

February 10th, 2011

(no subject)

shit i forgot to record true blood
I haven't really posted often on LJ. I've been lurking on my friends page though. Which is a start! I mean tumblr consumes my life, and I wonder when my addiction will end. But for now, it's not slowing down!

I really wish Merlin was back on or True Blood because that's when I'm most active :/

December 11th, 2010

(no subject)

shit i forgot to record true blood
Tonight was a really good night.

Went to Panera Bread, and had good food. I went to an orchestra concert. It was beautiful. I really enjoyed it, and I found myself longing to play the flute again. I miss it.

Then I went with my roommate to the room where that kid...which I may like... lives. But we were there to play rock band his other suitemate who went to my high school. And we had a weird past, NOT LIKE THAT, but I was in love with his best friend in middle school.... yeah.... and tonight it was really nice playing rock band with him and his roommate and my roommate and suitemate.

Then I got tired of Rock Band and went out into the main living room and just played video games with the boy that I may like. My other suitemate and his roommate are dating, so they left, and it was just us two. We just played a video game, and talked. It was nice. Really nice.

He kinda confided in me about his roommate dating mysuitemate and how he feels like he is losing his best friend to his girlfriend, who is also a good friend of his. He wants to have a separate time with each of them.

I liked talking to him. He's just so nice. And he really listens, despite being hyper and having ADHD. I feel like we connect... but maybe he doesn't see it. For right now, I don't know his sexuality. He is OBSESSED, AND I MEAN OBSESSED... WITH JUSTIN BEIBER. I think I am just going to say he's asexual. He never talks about how hot JB is, he really likes his music, but has posters on his wall.... a lot of them... which freaks me out...

Then a whole bunch of us went back to my suite and we all played poker, but he didn't come. I tried getting him to, but he just wouldn't. IDK, whatever. Then my one friend from last semester, contacted the one kid who was playing with us. I didn't even know they knew each other, so I told him to tell her to come up and play. SO SHE DID! It was nice seeing her, and the three of us are going to eat together tomorrow night.

I had a shitty day with lack of sleep, but my evening was great.

I'm still up in the air about liking this boy. How can I like him if he may be gay? With ADHD, he is veryyyy childish. We all agree that it may be that he just hasn't come to the age of liking girls.

I don't see him as often as I'd like to, and when I don't see him, I don't really think about him. But when I am with him, I just want to kiss him. And the other thing is that... he hasn't done anything... like drinking, smoking, weed, partying, a girl friend, nothing. How am I supposed to react to that?



December 8th, 2010

What do you think really happened at the end of the movie Inception? Have you ever had a dream that you confused with reality?

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